I made a Tumblr! want the link, go to the info on my facebook page. its listed there. :) Loooooving my time here in San Diego. Though I wish it were warmer. and that I had brought more tanks and shorts. On the warm day, I dont have many options. :/ spaking of options, there aren't as many romantic options out here as I htought there would be.lol but well see what happens. :) loving my apartment! and my roommates are really cool which is really nice. I got lucky. missin the fam a lot. i havent seen them since I got here, which sucks. But hopefully ill see them soon! got a new phone! its super tricked out. watching single ladies, the real world, the glee project, pretty little liars, jane by design, and so you think you can dance. missin my homies. Really wish I had turned 21 so that I could go out to the clubs with everyone else. theres only 5 people in my program that arent 21. I WANNA MEET MORE PEOPLE. D:

2012!

Wow. first post this year. Another year of school has gone by. I can't believe it! The spring semester was difficult, but I got through it and am on to bigger challenges. I'm scared, but am hopeful and determined to do my best and improve in everything in the fall. And I'm going to miss my friends in the class of 2012. but they're on their way to things bigger than our school now. Good luck to them. but I guess I'll start off my 2012 posts with another piece that I wrote. It's a long one. just a warning. The title is still a work in progress.

Why are we so far away?
I feel like we’re on two separate pages
And every time I see you I’m torn
Because I feel like I‘ve known you forever
In reality, it’s been several years
I loved how good you were at soccer
And how competitive you got when we played together
You were so tall for your age
You were so skinny and mature looking
At the age of 15, you looked 18
I liked you from the first time I saw you
Suddenly, I began to agree to go to church
Just so I could get the chance to hang out with you again
I always hated how far apart we lived from one another
I know this played a huge role in why we never got together
But I liked you so much
And you liked me too
Your sister was my girl and always told me about you
She wanted us to get together
Just as much as I did
It was pretty much an unspoken rule
That we would go to church retreat every year
With the motivation that we would be able to see each other and hang out
Remember that time when I was cold and you shared your sleeping bag with me?
We were so close
I honestly hadn’t ever felt that breathless
I just had this strong feeling of anticipation in my stomach
I felt like something monumental was going to happen
Were you going to finally kiss me?
And I always wondered what held you back
I wish it was something I could forget
And I wonder if you forgot it
Was it her?
Had you started talking to her?
Were you already with her at the time?
Because all I know is a few months later
I found out you had a girlfriend
And ill admit
I thought what we had was special
And that your relationship with her wouldn’t last
I thought what could be with us was bigger
But I was wrong
Because you’re still with her to this day
And I had to force myself to move on
So I guess it’s a good thing we don’t live by each other
Because I never would have moved on
Every time I see you
All of this confusion and my feelings for you rush back
Knocking me off balance again
It’s honestly emotionally draining
Every time I see you
I remember those times at church retreat where we would get close
And I remember when you came over to hang out with my sister last year
And after everyone went to sleep, I stayed up with you
While you waited for your ride home
To the other side
And I put my head in your lap
And you stroked my hair and laid with me
We barely talked
But we didn’t need to
It felt...right
And you gazed at me the way I remember
My chest literally felt like it would explode
Your face was so close
I really thought it would happen
But I knew it wouldn’t
Because you were still with her
And as much as I wanted it to happen
I couldn’t let it
You're still with her
And I still want you
So to dull the pain
I force myself to not think about you
And it works for the most part
Sometimes up to a couple of months
But really, I haven’t moved on
Because when I see you again
Shit hits the fan
And I fall
again

Don’t Do It

So as I just noticed, I haven’t posted at all this semester. Which is completely un acceptable. I’m sorry (to you all and to myself). I sometimes forget how therapeutic it is to write on here.

So this semester has been ridiculously hectic, but is coming to an end. That’s right. It’s FINALS WEEK. And mine is going to be terrible.

I don’t have the time to go into a lot of detail right now, because at the moment I’m supposed to be writing a 4-6 pager for my GWSS-249 class. How much is done? Only a paragraph. Imma get to it.

But, to make things interesting (hopefully), I’m going to post a lil something I wrote this summer. I hope this keeps this post from being completely pointless. I hope you enjoy it. I had fun writing it.

 

DON’’T DO IT

My hands are reaching towards you

Traveling down

And closer to you than I want to be

I knew the time would come

When this would happen again

I don’t want it too

But it will anyway

I want to help you

But this is something you have to do on your own

You’re stubborn like that

As you take your stance

I wait for the inevitable

I watch you closely

And get ready

Brace myself

For that liquid hell

To drip out of range

And into places forbidden

I tell you to move over

Cause I don’t want to have to clean it up

But you don’t listen; you can’t

You’re busy focusing on screwing me over

You’re watching my reaction

When you should be focusing on your aim

And there it goes everywhere that it shouldn’t

And I wish

Dammit cat, I wish you would just pee in your stupid little litterbox

and not next to it

Plane Perks and Personnel

I apologize in advance for this long ass post. seriously. imma try to include some pictures in here to make it less infinite.

As I sit here in my 20B seat on my way to San Francisco, I think about my family. My mom on the jumpseat of the plane, and Dad and Karen already in San Francisco. The jumpseat is rough and I feel for my Mom; you don’t get to fall asleep and you don’t get the luxury of sitting in a relatively comfortable, reclining plane seat. Do you recall that grey rectangle attached to the wall at the front of planes? Yep, that is the wonderful, shitty jumpseat. Only Flight Personnel are allowed to sit on it. Even I, the daughter of a flight attendant (whose seniority goes back to 88 and is one of the most well-known/popular flight attendants of LaGuardia Airport) am no excuse to this rule.

The guy next to me that had his torso spilling over into my seat.

I just finished watching one of my favorite shows. I downloaded a torrent of the latest episode of Switched At Birth, and Dominique wasn’t lying – it was intense. I was fighting back the tears (and failing) towards the end of the episode. I’m not ashamed of crying. Okay, well maybe I am, but not in this case. I just worried my first-time applied mascara from this morning would run. Although I wonder: what does a person do when their mascara does run but they have no mirror to check it with? Do they just cry even more?

Before I finished off the last 15 minutes of SAB, I was chillin with the flight attendants on my flight. This is one of the things I love the most about flying with my mom. I love how flight attendants take care of each other. As a result, everyone that knows her is incredibly nice to her (as she is to them), and completely take care of her when she isn’t working.

The flight attendants came by with the food cart, selling overpriced sandwiches and chips, and they swiftly swiped the credit cards of the passengers surrounding me. The only male flight attendant on the flight asked me whether I wanted anything, so I mentioned something about how I needed to talk to my mom about it first. He quickly told me they might run out and to tell him what I wanted now. So I confusedly mumbled something about the fruit and yogurt parfait and magically it appeared in my reach. He slipped in that I was fine and moseyed on down the aisle without a glance back. I soon realized it was that flight attendant magic working again. I appreciate it when it happens, I just seem to always forget about it until it happens.

I took the parfait to my mom in the jumpseat to share (and get milk pills) and she reminded me that they always take care of each other when flying. So after we enjoyed our parfait, we shared a free $5 cheese and cracker plate, with her eating the brie and daring me to have some even though she knows it’s the cheese I hate the most. I caved and tasted it, and she laughed and smiled as I sputtered and ewed after I once again decided that brie is disgusting. And then, of course, I went on to finish all of the other cheese on the plate. I couldn’t let an entire plate of my favorite indulgence go to waste, now could I?

A Typical Jumpseat:

After temporarily calming my cheese obsession, we walked to the back of the completely full 757 plane to socialize with her flight attendant homies. I thanked them for the parfait, chatted with them for a bit about jewelry, and then they started with the lingo. Growing up with a mom as a flight attendant makes you understand some of the lingo and you learn more as you get older. But about two minutes into the switch, and the separate language had me completely lost.

As I got ready to go back to my seat, a passenger came to the back of the plane with us in front of the bathroom. The attendants asked him whether he was okay. That when things changed. I heard the passenger make the slightest mention of nausea, and fled back to my seat so fast. lol I speed walked and never looked back. The whole thing kind of reminded me of when I was hanging out with soccer girls after a party. We were hanging out on the Field, when Allison randomly started with these hacking coughs. The kind where you’re unsure if they will have vomit follow. She had said she her stomach hurt and when I heard these coughs, I fled. I didn’t mean to, but I was my gut reaction. And when I say fled, I don’t mean speed walk or jog. I ran. And as I ran towards my dorm, I could hear Cynthia say something like “where the hell did Amanda go?”. I ran/yelled that I bolted cause Allison was sick. And she laugh/yelled that she wasn’t sick and that I ran for no reason. So I ashamedly walked back to the group as we all laughed together and my paranoia. I feel like that was one of the few real bonding moments that I had with them. Because as we went to the next party and laughed about Allison accidentally throwing her cell phone in the bushes, I honestly felt like we were friends, and not just teammates. And that really means a lot to me. Maybe because I don’t get a lot of moments like that.

Well, I have to pee again, unfortunately for the woman on my right at the aisle, and fortunately for the large man on my left. Once I get up, he will once again spread himself happily into my seat as well.

I can’t wait to land in San Fran. I’ll be that much closer to getting to Napa.

Is it sad?

I ask myself this question all the time.

Is it wrong?

Is it sad?

Is it pathetic that I still dream of being a professional soccer player?

It would be so amazing. To get paid to do what I love. To be talented enough to play at that level. To be a role model. And to be a new kind of role model, at that.

You never see players that can only afford to play community soccer and have no Olympic Development Program or Club experience. And well, you never see any professionals with curves like mine.

Is it wrong that I want to overcome these things and be great? Go further then anyone (including myself) expected?

Just things that I have been thinking about a lot lately, especially as I watch the Women’s World Cup.

Connected to this dream are other smaller soccer related dreams. Like to legit have my name on the back of my jersey and to be sponsored. How amazing would that be to have things thrown at me for free for once in my life? For people to give me things while essentially saying that they believe in me?

How awesome would that be?

And while I train this summer, I think about the drastic improvement that needs to take place with me and soccer. So that my coach and my family will believe in me. I need to believe in me. Whether it’s right or not, I’m working towards being my best ever, and the ultimate goal of being good enough that my unusual soccer background doesn’t matter and isn’t obvious.

I want to be a force to be reckoned with like I was in high school. I made a drastic improvement in high school over the years. Was the weakest on Varsity freshman year, won MVP in senior year. I hope I will improve that much here.

I want to be on the field. And I want to be on a level playing field with my teammates. Feel like I belong there. Because when it comes to playing, I can see the drastic difference between my experience and my teammates. And I’m sick of seeing it and feeling like I’m taking away from their training by being there.

I want to step up. And be great.

A JOB and SCUBA

Soooo today I received some awesome news. First off, I now have JOB!!!!! HOOORAAAAY! They called me today and let me know that I got this internship at a conservation and environmental high school program here in Chicago. My job is mainly to help the program participants with their powerpoint projects that they must complete throughout the program. But because I have a lot of background in environmental science (from a couple of Shedd Aquarium programs that I did), they are hiring me full-on to do other things with the program every day (rather than just a few days and hours a week). Stipend of $1600 for the 4 weeks. Im so excited. And I start Monday.


this is going to be me----->

And then, to top it all off, my mom surprised me right after I finished washing my hair yesterday and told me that she is bought me a groupon to get my scuba certification this summer!!!! I can't even describe how happy I am right now. I've been trying to get my certification for like 4 years now, but havent been able to due to funds and time constraints. I'm contributing a couple hundred dollars that I earned at school towards it, but who cares. Best. birthday. present. ever.



And now for some embarrassing moments at the gym. So far I've dropped weights on myself like twice during hang cleans and bench. i couldn't finish a rep and the weight got stuck resting on my boobs and on my legs in hang cleans. super embarrassing. especially when you have like 30 middle aged men staring at you in the first place cause you're the only female in the weight lifting area. All the men at my gym believe women are just supposed to do cardio.

Lastly, I should mention some good reads. First off, I read a lot of young adult books. You should know that.

okay so I loved this book called Matched by Allie Condie. about this different society with all these weird rules and predictions. interesting stuff.
Haven by Kristi Cook. A girl with special powers and goes to a school that is only for gifted people like her. teenagers with telekinesis, psychic abilities, etc. real cool.
and Wake by Lisa McCann. A girl who can jump into people's dreams. Super awesome series.

In terms of movies, I watched this movie called CAMP last week. really interesting. but i wouldnt say it was a great movie. lots of musically talented actresses, but not necessarily a great movie.

attempted to watch this movie called King of the Camp. I couldn't do it. The 15 minutes of it that I watched were absolutely terrible. i couldnt make myself keep watching it any longer.

i watched Unstoppable last week (that movie about the runaway train). SO GOOD.

Okay Mom is yelling at me now. We're going downtown. Bye ya'll!

first june post!

So I can't really invite my friends to come to a un-updated blog, can I? nope. so here is goes...

Second semester was extremely fun and difficult as a whole. During Hell Week, I had 10 papers to write before the end of the semester. There was a lot of boy drama (for me, at least), lots of partying (YEAAAAH!!!!), lots of friends made, and friendships solidified.

I'm still looking for a summer job. I applied to various places this summer, in either customer service, sports camps, or conservation, and haven't heard back from a single thing. I have an interview for the conservation job tomorrow, so hopefully that will go well.

My birthday is coming up soon! I'm real excited for it. I'm gonna have a nice small backyard barbecue with a small sleepover the day before. And the day after my birthday, we're going to Napa Valley!!! yessss. can't contain my excitement. I love Napa, and were only able to go like once every 5 years (assuming that my parents have enough saved to go).


This summer, I'm doing the training program for soccer and trying to get my scuba certification (again). I started the lifting program the week I got back to Chicago from school, and I have been doing it ever since. The hang cleans are killing me. i hate them! D: In regards to scuba, I've been trying to get my certification for years, but I finally saved up enough for it! But if I get a time consuming job this summer, than it will make it really hard for me to make time to get the certification. but i have to! I have to! I've waited so long to do it, and I feel like so many doors will open up for me once I do.

i finished the semester with two As and two B+ (yay!) and a kind-of boyfriend. After I left for the semester, we talked everyday the first week until he told me he might be coming to visit me in Chicago the next day. i was kind of back and forth about it because 6 hours is a long way to make anyone drive just to see you (and what if later on he determined that the trip wasn't worth it?). i would feel bad. so i sent kinda mixed signals over the phone, but tried to clear it up right after in a text when i told him i did want to see him and I did want him to come (I don't do so well over the phone so I figured a face to face interaction is what we needed). but then this happened: he never returned any of my phone calls or texts after that. I don't know what his deal is, but we're done. While I do wish I could talk to him about what happened, if he didn't have the decency to respond to me, that's his problem. I'm not making anymore efforts.

Alright, that's enough for now. later!