I made a Tumblr! want the link, go to the info on my facebook page. its listed there. :) Loooooving my time here in San Diego. Though I wish it were warmer. and that I had brought more tanks and shorts. On the warm day, I dont have many options. :/ spaking of options, there aren't as many romantic options out here as I htought there would be.lol but well see what happens. :) loving my apartment! and my roommates are really cool which is really nice. I got lucky. missin the fam a lot. i havent seen them since I got here, which sucks. But hopefully ill see them soon! got a new phone! its super tricked out. watching single ladies, the real world, the glee project, pretty little liars, jane by design, and so you think you can dance. missin my homies. Really wish I had turned 21 so that I could go out to the clubs with everyone else. theres only 5 people in my program that arent 21. I WANNA MEET MORE PEOPLE. D:

2012!

Wow. first post this year. Another year of school has gone by. I can't believe it! The spring semester was difficult, but I got through it and am on to bigger challenges. I'm scared, but am hopeful and determined to do my best and improve in everything in the fall. And I'm going to miss my friends in the class of 2012. but they're on their way to things bigger than our school now. Good luck to them. but I guess I'll start off my 2012 posts with another piece that I wrote. It's a long one. just a warning. The title is still a work in progress.

Why are we so far away?
I feel like we’re on two separate pages
And every time I see you I’m torn
Because I feel like I‘ve known you forever
In reality, it’s been several years
I loved how good you were at soccer
And how competitive you got when we played together
You were so tall for your age
You were so skinny and mature looking
At the age of 15, you looked 18
I liked you from the first time I saw you
Suddenly, I began to agree to go to church
Just so I could get the chance to hang out with you again
I always hated how far apart we lived from one another
I know this played a huge role in why we never got together
But I liked you so much
And you liked me too
Your sister was my girl and always told me about you
She wanted us to get together
Just as much as I did
It was pretty much an unspoken rule
That we would go to church retreat every year
With the motivation that we would be able to see each other and hang out
Remember that time when I was cold and you shared your sleeping bag with me?
We were so close
I honestly hadn’t ever felt that breathless
I just had this strong feeling of anticipation in my stomach
I felt like something monumental was going to happen
Were you going to finally kiss me?
And I always wondered what held you back
I wish it was something I could forget
And I wonder if you forgot it
Was it her?
Had you started talking to her?
Were you already with her at the time?
Because all I know is a few months later
I found out you had a girlfriend
And ill admit
I thought what we had was special
And that your relationship with her wouldn’t last
I thought what could be with us was bigger
But I was wrong
Because you’re still with her to this day
And I had to force myself to move on
So I guess it’s a good thing we don’t live by each other
Because I never would have moved on
Every time I see you
All of this confusion and my feelings for you rush back
Knocking me off balance again
It’s honestly emotionally draining
Every time I see you
I remember those times at church retreat where we would get close
And I remember when you came over to hang out with my sister last year
And after everyone went to sleep, I stayed up with you
While you waited for your ride home
To the other side
And I put my head in your lap
And you stroked my hair and laid with me
We barely talked
But we didn’t need to
It felt...right
And you gazed at me the way I remember
My chest literally felt like it would explode
Your face was so close
I really thought it would happen
But I knew it wouldn’t
Because you were still with her
And as much as I wanted it to happen
I couldn’t let it
You're still with her
And I still want you
So to dull the pain
I force myself to not think about you
And it works for the most part
Sometimes up to a couple of months
But really, I haven’t moved on
Because when I see you again
Shit hits the fan
And I fall
again

Don’t Do It

So as I just noticed, I haven’t posted at all this semester. Which is completely un acceptable. I’m sorry (to you all and to myself). I sometimes forget how therapeutic it is to write on here.

So this semester has been ridiculously hectic, but is coming to an end. That’s right. It’s FINALS WEEK. And mine is going to be terrible.

I don’t have the time to go into a lot of detail right now, because at the moment I’m supposed to be writing a 4-6 pager for my GWSS-249 class. How much is done? Only a paragraph. Imma get to it.

But, to make things interesting (hopefully), I’m going to post a lil something I wrote this summer. I hope this keeps this post from being completely pointless. I hope you enjoy it. I had fun writing it.

 

DON’’T DO IT

My hands are reaching towards you

Traveling down

And closer to you than I want to be

I knew the time would come

When this would happen again

I don’t want it too

But it will anyway

I want to help you

But this is something you have to do on your own

You’re stubborn like that

As you take your stance

I wait for the inevitable

I watch you closely

And get ready

Brace myself

For that liquid hell

To drip out of range

And into places forbidden

I tell you to move over

Cause I don’t want to have to clean it up

But you don’t listen; you can’t

You’re busy focusing on screwing me over

You’re watching my reaction

When you should be focusing on your aim

And there it goes everywhere that it shouldn’t

And I wish

Dammit cat, I wish you would just pee in your stupid little litterbox

and not next to it

Plane Perks and Personnel

I apologize in advance for this long ass post. seriously. imma try to include some pictures in here to make it less infinite.

As I sit here in my 20B seat on my way to San Francisco, I think about my family. My mom on the jumpseat of the plane, and Dad and Karen already in San Francisco. The jumpseat is rough and I feel for my Mom; you don’t get to fall asleep and you don’t get the luxury of sitting in a relatively comfortable, reclining plane seat. Do you recall that grey rectangle attached to the wall at the front of planes? Yep, that is the wonderful, shitty jumpseat. Only Flight Personnel are allowed to sit on it. Even I, the daughter of a flight attendant (whose seniority goes back to 88 and is one of the most well-known/popular flight attendants of LaGuardia Airport) am no excuse to this rule.

The guy next to me that had his torso spilling over into my seat.

I just finished watching one of my favorite shows. I downloaded a torrent of the latest episode of Switched At Birth, and Dominique wasn’t lying – it was intense. I was fighting back the tears (and failing) towards the end of the episode. I’m not ashamed of crying. Okay, well maybe I am, but not in this case. I just worried my first-time applied mascara from this morning would run. Although I wonder: what does a person do when their mascara does run but they have no mirror to check it with? Do they just cry even more?

Before I finished off the last 15 minutes of SAB, I was chillin with the flight attendants on my flight. This is one of the things I love the most about flying with my mom. I love how flight attendants take care of each other. As a result, everyone that knows her is incredibly nice to her (as she is to them), and completely take care of her when she isn’t working.

The flight attendants came by with the food cart, selling overpriced sandwiches and chips, and they swiftly swiped the credit cards of the passengers surrounding me. The only male flight attendant on the flight asked me whether I wanted anything, so I mentioned something about how I needed to talk to my mom about it first. He quickly told me they might run out and to tell him what I wanted now. So I confusedly mumbled something about the fruit and yogurt parfait and magically it appeared in my reach. He slipped in that I was fine and moseyed on down the aisle without a glance back. I soon realized it was that flight attendant magic working again. I appreciate it when it happens, I just seem to always forget about it until it happens.

I took the parfait to my mom in the jumpseat to share (and get milk pills) and she reminded me that they always take care of each other when flying. So after we enjoyed our parfait, we shared a free $5 cheese and cracker plate, with her eating the brie and daring me to have some even though she knows it’s the cheese I hate the most. I caved and tasted it, and she laughed and smiled as I sputtered and ewed after I once again decided that brie is disgusting. And then, of course, I went on to finish all of the other cheese on the plate. I couldn’t let an entire plate of my favorite indulgence go to waste, now could I?

A Typical Jumpseat:

After temporarily calming my cheese obsession, we walked to the back of the completely full 757 plane to socialize with her flight attendant homies. I thanked them for the parfait, chatted with them for a bit about jewelry, and then they started with the lingo. Growing up with a mom as a flight attendant makes you understand some of the lingo and you learn more as you get older. But about two minutes into the switch, and the separate language had me completely lost.

As I got ready to go back to my seat, a passenger came to the back of the plane with us in front of the bathroom. The attendants asked him whether he was okay. That when things changed. I heard the passenger make the slightest mention of nausea, and fled back to my seat so fast. lol I speed walked and never looked back. The whole thing kind of reminded me of when I was hanging out with soccer girls after a party. We were hanging out on the Field, when Allison randomly started with these hacking coughs. The kind where you’re unsure if they will have vomit follow. She had said she her stomach hurt and when I heard these coughs, I fled. I didn’t mean to, but I was my gut reaction. And when I say fled, I don’t mean speed walk or jog. I ran. And as I ran towards my dorm, I could hear Cynthia say something like “where the hell did Amanda go?”. I ran/yelled that I bolted cause Allison was sick. And she laugh/yelled that she wasn’t sick and that I ran for no reason. So I ashamedly walked back to the group as we all laughed together and my paranoia. I feel like that was one of the few real bonding moments that I had with them. Because as we went to the next party and laughed about Allison accidentally throwing her cell phone in the bushes, I honestly felt like we were friends, and not just teammates. And that really means a lot to me. Maybe because I don’t get a lot of moments like that.

Well, I have to pee again, unfortunately for the woman on my right at the aisle, and fortunately for the large man on my left. Once I get up, he will once again spread himself happily into my seat as well.

I can’t wait to land in San Fran. I’ll be that much closer to getting to Napa.

Is it sad?

I ask myself this question all the time.

Is it wrong?

Is it sad?

Is it pathetic that I still dream of being a professional soccer player?

It would be so amazing. To get paid to do what I love. To be talented enough to play at that level. To be a role model. And to be a new kind of role model, at that.

You never see players that can only afford to play community soccer and have no Olympic Development Program or Club experience. And well, you never see any professionals with curves like mine.

Is it wrong that I want to overcome these things and be great? Go further then anyone (including myself) expected?

Just things that I have been thinking about a lot lately, especially as I watch the Women’s World Cup.

Connected to this dream are other smaller soccer related dreams. Like to legit have my name on the back of my jersey and to be sponsored. How amazing would that be to have things thrown at me for free for once in my life? For people to give me things while essentially saying that they believe in me?

How awesome would that be?

And while I train this summer, I think about the drastic improvement that needs to take place with me and soccer. So that my coach and my family will believe in me. I need to believe in me. Whether it’s right or not, I’m working towards being my best ever, and the ultimate goal of being good enough that my unusual soccer background doesn’t matter and isn’t obvious.

I want to be a force to be reckoned with like I was in high school. I made a drastic improvement in high school over the years. Was the weakest on Varsity freshman year, won MVP in senior year. I hope I will improve that much here.

I want to be on the field. And I want to be on a level playing field with my teammates. Feel like I belong there. Because when it comes to playing, I can see the drastic difference between my experience and my teammates. And I’m sick of seeing it and feeling like I’m taking away from their training by being there.

I want to step up. And be great.

A JOB and SCUBA

Soooo today I received some awesome news. First off, I now have JOB!!!!! HOOORAAAAY! They called me today and let me know that I got this internship at a conservation and environmental high school program here in Chicago. My job is mainly to help the program participants with their powerpoint projects that they must complete throughout the program. But because I have a lot of background in environmental science (from a couple of Shedd Aquarium programs that I did), they are hiring me full-on to do other things with the program every day (rather than just a few days and hours a week). Stipend of $1600 for the 4 weeks. Im so excited. And I start Monday.


this is going to be me----->

And then, to top it all off, my mom surprised me right after I finished washing my hair yesterday and told me that she is bought me a groupon to get my scuba certification this summer!!!! I can't even describe how happy I am right now. I've been trying to get my certification for like 4 years now, but havent been able to due to funds and time constraints. I'm contributing a couple hundred dollars that I earned at school towards it, but who cares. Best. birthday. present. ever.



And now for some embarrassing moments at the gym. So far I've dropped weights on myself like twice during hang cleans and bench. i couldn't finish a rep and the weight got stuck resting on my boobs and on my legs in hang cleans. super embarrassing. especially when you have like 30 middle aged men staring at you in the first place cause you're the only female in the weight lifting area. All the men at my gym believe women are just supposed to do cardio.

Lastly, I should mention some good reads. First off, I read a lot of young adult books. You should know that.

okay so I loved this book called Matched by Allie Condie. about this different society with all these weird rules and predictions. interesting stuff.
Haven by Kristi Cook. A girl with special powers and goes to a school that is only for gifted people like her. teenagers with telekinesis, psychic abilities, etc. real cool.
and Wake by Lisa McCann. A girl who can jump into people's dreams. Super awesome series.

In terms of movies, I watched this movie called CAMP last week. really interesting. but i wouldnt say it was a great movie. lots of musically talented actresses, but not necessarily a great movie.

attempted to watch this movie called King of the Camp. I couldn't do it. The 15 minutes of it that I watched were absolutely terrible. i couldnt make myself keep watching it any longer.

i watched Unstoppable last week (that movie about the runaway train). SO GOOD.

Okay Mom is yelling at me now. We're going downtown. Bye ya'll!

first june post!

So I can't really invite my friends to come to a un-updated blog, can I? nope. so here is goes...

Second semester was extremely fun and difficult as a whole. During Hell Week, I had 10 papers to write before the end of the semester. There was a lot of boy drama (for me, at least), lots of partying (YEAAAAH!!!!), lots of friends made, and friendships solidified.

I'm still looking for a summer job. I applied to various places this summer, in either customer service, sports camps, or conservation, and haven't heard back from a single thing. I have an interview for the conservation job tomorrow, so hopefully that will go well.

My birthday is coming up soon! I'm real excited for it. I'm gonna have a nice small backyard barbecue with a small sleepover the day before. And the day after my birthday, we're going to Napa Valley!!! yessss. can't contain my excitement. I love Napa, and were only able to go like once every 5 years (assuming that my parents have enough saved to go).


This summer, I'm doing the training program for soccer and trying to get my scuba certification (again). I started the lifting program the week I got back to Chicago from school, and I have been doing it ever since. The hang cleans are killing me. i hate them! D: In regards to scuba, I've been trying to get my certification for years, but I finally saved up enough for it! But if I get a time consuming job this summer, than it will make it really hard for me to make time to get the certification. but i have to! I have to! I've waited so long to do it, and I feel like so many doors will open up for me once I do.

i finished the semester with two As and two B+ (yay!) and a kind-of boyfriend. After I left for the semester, we talked everyday the first week until he told me he might be coming to visit me in Chicago the next day. i was kind of back and forth about it because 6 hours is a long way to make anyone drive just to see you (and what if later on he determined that the trip wasn't worth it?). i would feel bad. so i sent kinda mixed signals over the phone, but tried to clear it up right after in a text when i told him i did want to see him and I did want him to come (I don't do so well over the phone so I figured a face to face interaction is what we needed). but then this happened: he never returned any of my phone calls or texts after that. I don't know what his deal is, but we're done. While I do wish I could talk to him about what happened, if he didn't have the decency to respond to me, that's his problem. I'm not making anymore efforts.

Alright, that's enough for now. later!

Rest of Spring Break

 

So after the New York trip, came back home. David and Marissa were visiting, so I made sure to hang out with them over break. My dad and I picked David up from the Green Line and he slept in the back room for a few days. He gave me a KILLER massage (after begging the world for one since the first week of soccer season! lol)

Hung out with David, kept lifting, and then hung out with Jaz, Mar, Te, and David downtown. We went to the Kerasotes theatre to see Limitless – amazing movie, but had too many puke scenes for me to want to see it again. Hung out at a Baskin Robins/Dunkin Doughnuts for a few hours just talking. Really fun. Rachel F. visited Chicago for a day, but I didn’t end up hanging out with them and didn’t get to see her. My roommate Adele was also in town and was staying in a hotel downtown, but I didn’t see her either cause she was busy with her family and me with mine. But it’s alright – I would see them both in less than a week.

Went to a Lady Eagles soccer game in the middle of their losing streak with hopes of my presence being a good luck charm. Anali showed up too and we had a reunion (and they won the game. HA!) Got to see all my socca girls! it was great and FREEZING (what the hell Chicago?!)

Having some major family issues. In short, Karen’s being more stubborn than usual and not saying/doing the brightest things and spends all of her time on the computer. Grandma’s having a hard time on her  own and in moving into a nursing home. Over break, she slipped in her apartment and fell. But the problem is that she is so weak that she wasn’t able to get up at all, and basically laid in the same spot by the foot of her bed for 1 and a half days. Couldn’t reach a phone to call for help, wasn’t near any food, etc. For over a day. After my dad discovered her in the apartment 2 days later, we took her to the emergency room where they held her there for a few days and they recommended physical therapy. When we visited her, she could hardly talk and couldn’t move on her own. Poor Grandma.

ISo now its back to school, with all these unresolved matters back at home. How can I keep an eye on Grandma from over here and leave things with my sister and parents as they are?

Spring Break – New York

 

Okay, so it’s been a really long time since I’ve written something. Not because I’ve been busy (which I have), but because a lot of things have happened lately and I’m not sure of how to write about them on here without giving a way too much. but I’ll try.

Right now I’m at home during Spring Break. We got two weeks for break, and I took the school shuttle back with Jazmine and David. First I spent 4 days in New York visiting the family and such. We went to the movies to see Beastly (the book was much better, but the movie was decent), an Off-Broadway performance called Fuerzabruta. It was hella weird. First off, there were no seats for this performance; everyone was standing in this warehouse type room looking up at the stage. It started with this man in a suit running on a treadmill/walkway thing with rain and getting shot dead. Then they do the whole thing again (with him running and getting shot), but THEN they do this badass water sequence that was really cool. A bunch of women on a tank above our heads creating patterns and shapes in the water. Here’s some quick clips:

:

Anyways, certain aspects of it were amazing (like the water stuff and the music), but the performance as a whole was quite repetitive (how many times do I have to see that man running and getting shot?). It was a cool idea tho. Im glad I experienced it.

Had some fun shopping and hanging out with the cousins. Also before Fuerzabruta  we went to Dylan’s Candy Bar and Wildwood BBQ (delicious!). Dylan’s Candy Bar was a really big deal – I’m a serious candy lover and it was a place I have wanted to go for years – and I finally made it there! It was amazing. 3 floors of candy everywhere. I was in heaven.

The rest of the trip was great – and the best part was chillin’ with my cousins. My sister and I’s presence automatically puts my cousin Melissa into a better mood (Melissa told us this). We watched some movies
(Secretariat), went shopping (Target at CityCenter), and ate dinner at the Melting Pot. Great trip!

2 Weeks of Winter Break Left!

Listening to: The whirr of my laptop

I go back to school in 2 weeks. and the weird thing is, I CANT WAIT. i miss my friends so much and working out daily. :P

i am trying to get an internship at an aquarium store for the summer, and im going to be going to a soccer camp. since i cant pay the soccer camp fee, im going to work the younger kids soccer camp and not get paid, so that i can attend the older kids camp for free. :D we'll see though!

and today i made a cake with my sister. looks-wise, it was an epic fail. but we'll see how it tastes! it is passionfuit cake with raspberry passionfruit mousse filling, passionfruit icing, and white fondant. im hoping we dont go into sugar shock.

A Little Bit

Listening to: Jack Black singing on Jay Leno's Late Night

sooo, i dont have much time, but this is an excerpt from an email I sent the team (and is reworded a bit). it will count as an entry. :P

so as hardly anyone knows, I looooooove Cake Boss. Its totally awesome. Buddy makes these amazing cakes that look so effing delicious its wrong...and you get to experience of his Italian family dramas! the ultimate, right? yes. so anyways, the other day, my sister and dad were glued to the tv, and what were the watching? A new Cake Boss reality competition called The Next Great Baker. Now this show is AWESOME. Ever seen Project Runway or Top Chef? Pretty much just like these shows. They design their cakes based on a theme for competition, and then a baker goes home every week. Its sweeeeeeeet (haha no punintended!). But im super excited cause watching the show inspired my sister to want to bake me a cake with an underwater theme! kuh-YEAH!!! We''ll see how it turns out. :)

So movies.....I saw TRON last week, which was really cool. (and even more awesome cause I saw it in 3D) but I also saw Tangled and loved it! Rapunzel has always been one of my favorite stories, so maybe I'm a bit biased...but still. i really liked it. Black Swan looks hella creepy. Im stayin away from that shit.

Er...books! It's kinda funny but I actually read that Hilary Duff book (Elixir)last week! got it from the local library, and read it with low expectations. but you know what? i liked it. I mean, she's no amazing or even great writer. She's average. But the story was cool and kept me interested. And when I finished it, it kinda left me wanting a sequel. Okay, maybe more than kinda. but you get the point. Books I recommend? they are all guilty pleasures. The House of Night series by P.C. Cast and Kristen Cast. These books are AWESOME. One of my most favorite series ever. (did I ever mention that I really love book series?) but yeah. the series is about vampires, but they are different from all of ther vampire novel (for starters, they spell vampires differently. -vampyres-). and the main character goes to a vampyre boarding school. Its so exciting and addicting. for realz. The Pretty Little Liars is great, and if you like murder mysteries and young adult books, read THE PRIVATE series. seriously. might be my favorite series ever.

so i would talk more, but I have to run. My family is driving up to Connecticut to go to one of my cousin's (and my) favorite stores: a store called House of Fins that sells live animals for aquaria. there was a manatee there last time I went that kept surfacing and was really friendly. hellz yeah.

alrighty. peace out!!!

In the Sky

Listening to: Ashin’ Kusher by Kid Cudi

Location: On a plane in the sky (on my way to LaGuardia Airport in New York)

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve written. I think I owe it to myself, and to my friends, to share a little bit of what has been happening in my life. Writing down how I’m feeling always seems to help a little bit.

Even more family stuff has happened. Karen is doing better, but is still struggling. She’s been in and out of the hospital a few more times. I’m still worried about her, as I have everyday. Last night, I woke up several times in the night to sound of her whimpering and becoming restless in her sleep. I considered waking her up a few times, because I thought I should save her from her nightmares (as we did for each other when we were younger), but left her alone. I asked her about it, and she told me that they weren’t nightmares and that it was her medication. Her medication makes her restless throughout the night and causes her to wake up crying and such. And I feel really bad that she’s going through these things, and I don’t know how to help her. I feel kind of helpless with my own sister.

Well my first semester of college is officially over. It’s weird because it seems like it went by really fast looking back on it now, but during, it lasted forever. But this is nothing new. That always happens with time consuming things. I think I did pretty well – I accepted early on in the semester that I wasn’t going to get straight A’s like I had hoped. I’m hoping that I got an A in tutorial, and probably got B- in Calculus and a B in Chem. Damn Calculus II. Thank goodness I’m done with Calculus. I liked Inorganic Chem tho…and Marzluff was one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. Speaking of that class, an upperclassmen friend is taking it next year. He needs to buy my book! He probably will though; unless one of his friends will lend it to him for free, he won’t be able to find it for less. I need a ton of book for my classes next semester. I’m taking Intro to Anthro, Intro to Gender, Women’s, and Sexuality Studies, Intro to Bio (Genes, Drugs, and Toxins), Jazz Traditions in America, Writing Lab, and FLOOR HOCKEY! Very excited for floor hockey. Now that soccer is over, I need to feed my competitive nature.

Next semester I’m going to have two new jobs. I quit Phonathon to work for my soccer coach with a youth outreach program, and to work for Nancy in the Athletic Dept. dubbing sports film. Yay!

Made some awesome friends. Hanging out with the soccer team is really fun, but I wanted to make sure that I met other people and had other friends. So now I have a nice sized group of good friends that I hang out with on a regular basis and they are awesome people.

Winter waltz and SoccerBall were the best out of all the parties so far. tons of fun and dancing.

Next semester I plan to audition for Noteworthy! I miss singing too much to not try to join. Alright, I’m getting sleepy.

September Thoughts (written 9/25 morning)

My Microsoft Silverlight program isn’t working; maybe because I don’t have internet here on the road. We are on our way to Galesburg, to play Knox. I’m exhausted; I went to sleep early, but some girls on my floor decided to have a party that night. I fell asleep before it started, but woke up to the sound of them shrieking in the hallway around 12:30am. They didn’t quiet down, so I got up after not being able to go back to sleep for 45min, and asked them to quiet down. They did, and soon I was back asleep. But more about what the past few months have been like.

On Family:
So many things have been happening with my family, I would have never imagined. Being away from Karen for this long has really made me realize how much I miss her and how I need to keep an eye on her. And I am so sick of hearing about extremely important things that have happened with her, 3 days late. I mean, when she was in the god damn hospital, I didn’t find out until a few days later. What the hell?! I’ve been really worried about her, and it’s been taking a toll on me in ways it never has before. When crazy stuff started happening, it took a toll on me in soccer practice. The smallest things like scolding in practice made me break down several times because I was scared for her. Anyway, enough about this, its putting me in a sad state which is not a good idea before a game.

On My School:
It’s great. I love all of my teachers. Professor Marzluff who teaches Inorganic Chemistry is really excited about chemistry and is always in a good mood. She is always willing to help and loves talking to students. Professor Mileti is really funny. He is also really excited about what he teaches, and uses epic phrases in calculus that make it interesting. “Everyone knows that when the denominator is 0, the universe explodes.” And to him, variables and numbers don’t cancel each other out—they kill each other off. It’s great. My tutorial “Animals and Imagination”, is taught by Professor Reynolds. It’s an interesting tutorial; we’ve read some pretty cool things, and are currently reading Alex and Me, a really cool book about an African Grey Parrot. We are also watching a movie about birds (Awesome!) and I saw glimpses of Birds of Paradise in it. I had Intermediate Spanish, but had to drop after a few weeks. I was getting the homework done for the most part at like 2 in the morning the day it was due, but was doing a really poor job. I didn’t have time to study for the tests the way I should have either; being in that class was just a major fail. So I dropped it to take it next semester instead when I would have more time because soccer would be over. It was just too much having 3, 200-level classes and tutorial, doing soccer and Phonathon, and was causing me to not do well in my other classes.

On Work:
Phonathon is going pretty well. On my first call, I got $200! It was awesome. I got great feedback from the managers as well, and my credit card conversion rate is around 70 percent. And just this week, I got a guy who hated Grinnell and only stayed for 4 semesters to donate $50. It was a successful day. He knew CJ because he was on the football team, so we chatted about him for a while and I guess that helped him remember things that he actually liked and was thankful for.

On Friends:
I think my closest friend here is probably my roommate. We are so much alike, and seem to really trust each other with a lot of things. I’ve told her about pretty much all of the family things have come up, and she’s trusted me with a lot of information about her family and sister, more specifically. We like really similar music (Colbie Callait, Mika, Natasha Bedingfield, MUSICALS, Mika, etc) and both hate coffee, for example. I have also been entrusting Jordan with my family information, as she understands me from a soccer viewpoint and how things affect my state of mind and competitiveness. I’m not sure if that sentence really made sense, but I am so not going back to figure it out.

On Soccer:
This whole soccer journey has been so incredibly hard. Preseason was successful, but difficult. We had two a days for while, morning practice around 6:30 am, and night practice at 4:30 pm. The fitness tests didn’t go the way I had hoped for the most part, but my results weren’t as horrible as they would have been had I not been training with CJ. Everyday though, I am amazed at how good athletes have it, here. I have an actually field WITH GRASS to play on, full training laundry service, and equipment/gear galore. I’ve never had to so much free stuff thrown at me and on top of that, I throw it back after I’m done and they wash it for me?! Seriously. It’s so cool. But being here has made me realize how much I need to improve on my technical abilities. When defenders here get the ball in the back, they don’t just clear it and hope it goes to one of our players. We actually play the ball and pass IN THE BACK. That was like, forbidden in high school soccer. You were never supposed to kick it through the middle or pass in the back at all. Its cray-cray (favorite phrase). And now to the nagging part about this whole experience; not playing really, really sucks. Especially the moment you realize that you are the single person on the entire team that hasn’t gotten any playing. What does that say about your abilities? It has unfortunately, really made me feel disconnected from the team. It feels like no one cares and I feel really alone because no one else is in this position and few few have been in the past. The team tries to tell me I’ll be in soon and that it sucks, but they have no idea how much it sucks. Because they are all playing. I’m trying to remain positive here, but it is really difficult when you feel like you aren’t getting a chance to be great. I mean, I’ll hang in there, but I hope I play soon. And I feel like so many people like my teammates from Jones are looking up to me because I’m a college player, but that I’m letting them down. Nance was talking about coming to the Carroll game, and I feel like maybe I should tell her to not even bother coming because I probably won’t play. And then there is the matter of Family Weekend next weekend. My family is coming up and really want to see me play, and I don’t want to let them down by them having to watch me sit on the bench the entire time. Until I finally play though, I just have to be hopeful and work my hardest to prove to Coach that I deserve to be on the field, just as much as everyone else. I’m hoping to get the chance to prove that today. Yesterday at practice, Coach gave us journals to write in. I wrote in it last night, and I think I need to re read it now to get me mentally ready for this game again:

Tomorrow, If I play (and I must/WILL be ready to if I do), I will be aggressive. No one will be able to turn on me, beat me, or nudge me off the ball. I will be solid; I will be speedy, and I deny the other team’s opportunities.
I can be a leader in aggression and drive on defense, as well as a leader in staying positive from the bench.
My word: NOTHING. Nothing will get by me without an all-out fight.

25 Random Things About myself

I LIVE for competition. It's what makes me work hard and keeps me interested. Want to study for a test individually? No way. Want to play competitive Jeopardy on the topic with the class? HELL YES.

I'm allergic to everything. Pet Dander (even though I have a cat), trees, pollen, mold, everything. AND I'm lactose intolerant. So, I'm pretty much allergic to Life.

I am highly afraid of vomit. Not so much me vomiting, but being there when someone else is or them vomiting on me. And I feel bad because if my friend was sick, I would love to help her, but would likely be hiding in a corner instead.

I love to eat. I try not to eat without a purpose, but sometimes its hard. Food is just so good! My favorite places to eat are Panera Bread, Carbón, Big Bowl, etc. And I love fruit smoothies. My favorite fruit is Mango.

The best birthday I ever had was my 16th. I was in Costa Rica with my school and they threw me a surprise party. We had just hiked for hours and it was pouring rain, but when I walked (very slowly) back to the kitchen, everyone was sitting there and surprised me. and then they surprised me with a cake later at dinner. and a delicious whole mango with streamers and ribbons poking out of it. :)

I HATE dark chocolate. I think chocolate should not be good for you and should not be bitter. It should be sweet, delicious, creamy, and either milk chocolate or white chocolate.


I am scared of being scared. Even the idea of horror movies freaks me out.

I'm a lefty. And I still tie my shoes with bunny ears (most left handers do). But I do everything else (kick, throw, play tennis) with my right. I think this is because I was ambidextrous up until 4th grade. But then they made me choose a hand so I chose my left.

I'm half New Yorker. My mom was born and raised in New York, and because she's a flight attendant, we visit there all the time. As a result, I only say Soda. Not Pop like everyone else. And if im not paying attention, sometimes you might hear me say idear in stead of idea.

I'm really weird about overspending. I'm really bothered when people buy me expensive things or pay too much for something for me.

I love laughing. Having a great sense of humor is something i will always find attractive.

I hate leg stubble!!! When I'm stretching my legs or something, if I feel stubble, everyone else must be able to see the stubble, so i get irritated and paranoid.

I hate crowded refrigerators. Mine at home is stuffed to the brim, and has ridiculous bags of nail polish falling out of it. You just want bread? Too bad. You're gonna get milk, blueberries and nail polish first.

I forgive people, but I don't forget. This was something my mom taught me to do when I was younger and it stuck with me.

I donated blood in high school. I was a little scared at (mainly cause I didnt want to be next to anyone feeling dizzy), but it was awesome. When they took the needle out, it hurt like hell. But it was worth it.

19) I love sleepovers, but people hate me at sleepovers. I fall asleep early, and wake up early. I make myself go to sleep around 2 or 3 am because my body hates me. If I get less than 5 hours of sleep in a single night, I will get really sick the next day. Happens every single time. And I'm just naturally an early riser. I dont think I've ever slept past 10am in my life.

It's incredibly difficult for me to go to sleep without some form of darkness, blanket, and quiet.

I love Broadway musicals. I have always had dreams of singing and acting on Broadway, and I hang onto those dreams. Ive seen over 20 musicals, and I collect the playbills from all of them.

I like reality TV shows. Love the Real World and the after-show challenges like The Challenge (creative title, right?), the Gauntlet and the Island. Dating shows were only interesting when New York was crazy on Flavor of Love and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.

I learned to read when I was 3. And I still remember when my dad used to read the Harry Potter books to my sister and I chapter at a time as a bedtime story. Good times.

When I like someone, I never tell them. I've learned that it never works out. They almost always never talk to you ever again, or if they do, they're really weird about it.

I love speaking spanish! I'm not fluent, but there's something about being able to roll my r's and pronounce things correctly that makes me proud.

The Best Day

Listening to: The sound of the dishwasher, and "Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords.

So yesterday was one of the best events of my life. My mom, dad, and I went to the Oprah Show and the Glee Cast was guest starring.

So we started of the day, waking up at 5:30 am and getting to the studio at 6:40am. We stood in line for about a half hour, and moved into a really big room where we sat for another hour and a half. There were some entertaining moments in that waiting room, though. There was a 70-year-old woman in a "Cheerios Cheerleader" costume with pom poms and everything. There was a 40 year old woman sitting next to me in a Rachel Berry costume. And the Chicago Gay Men's chorus was there and they started doing the "Single Ladies" dance in the back of the room.

After that time passed, an Oprah audience organizer started calling names of people to be seated. A few lists later, my mom's name was called and we were led to the studio. I was slightly sad that the first 8 rows of the middle front section were filled, but when I saw that others had been moved into the back sections, I was thankful. :) I sat down on the end with my mom to my left, and my dad to her left. The stage setup was great; it was set to look exactly like the Glee music room! Soon the entire studio was filled, and Oprah representatives started to get the audience pumped. The entire audience sang along to a few GLEE songs, practiced cheering, and after about 5 minutes, the entire studio was buzzing with anticipation, and I was physically shaking with excitement. And the whole day got off to an amazing start when an audience organizer started to take questions.

My mom raised her hand and stood up. She stated that she didn't have a question; it was more of a statement. She began to talk about how GLEE is something that her and I share together and how I'm going to college soon so she's trying to have those "special moments" between her and I. She described how she tried to get tickets to the tour but they sold out within minutes. All of a sudden, a man stands up on the opposite side of the studio and announces that he was a FOX producer and would like to take us both to the GLEE tour. O.M.G. My mom and I started screaming and jumping up and down while everyone in the room erupted in cheers and claps. I couldn't believe it! Were going to get to go to the sold out GLEE Tour for free! What a way to start out the show. :)

So after a dozen producers and assistants took down our contact information, it was finally time for the show to start. Oprah came out and we all cheering crazily. Then she introduced the GLEE cast and the cheers were almost deafening. They first sang "Somebody to Love". Lea Michele sounded absolutely AMAZING (as usual) and so did Amber Riley and Kevin McHale. Next they sang "Don't Stop Believing", another great performance. After the cast finished changing, they came back out. Kevin looked really handsome and Lea had on this stunning, fairy-princess like silver dress. I remember how shocked I was when I saw how petite and short Lea is; she couldn't be taller that 5'2!

Oprah asked a few questions, the cast gave a few answers. Oprah asked Matt Morrison and Harry Shum to dance, and they both started break dancing right in the front of the stage!

Next, a high school Glee Club from California was flown in and they performed "Vogue". Pretty good. The Glee cast was impressed. I was freaking out because while they performed the GLEE cast came and sat down in the section next to me. I was sitting directly across the aisle from Jane Lynch, Amber Riley, and Lea Michele! O_O

Oprah presented the high school glee club with a brand new piano, and a $100,000 check! holy crap. but whatev. I got the CONCERT TICKETS! :D

OI asked the cast if they still get nervous when they perform and Corey revealed that their performances earlier that day were his first ever Live performances and he was crazy nervous. A few more questions were asked, a few more answers were given and suddenly, the show was over. But right before it was, Oprah announced that everyone in the audience was getting a copy of the GLEE Season 1 DVD. Score!

Even though it was over, my huge adrenaline rush remained. And as I got out of my seat, tons of people kept coming up to my mom and I congratulating us on our big concert invitation. All of a sudden, the woman who Oprah announced as Amber Riley's mother came up to me, gave me a hug and a big congratulations on getting the tickets. I couldn't believe it. AMBER RILEY'S MOM. :o

So, this day was just FREAKING AWESOME. And the show airs on Wednesday, April 7th. I can't wait to see. Though I have a Home soccer game that day and have to miss it, I will definitely tape it and watch it a zillion times. Totally awesome day! <3

List of Fears

I decided to make a list of my fears. I will add to the list as I recognize them.

I am afraid:

Of making the wrong decision
Of rejection
Of injury
Of vomit
Of Horror Movies (in general)
Of failing
Of missing opportunities
Of disappointment
Of confrontation
Of being forgotten or being left out
Of getting lost
Of severe embarrassment

GLEE, School, Soccer, etc.

So I havent blogged in a while… ive thought about it, but I just never got around to it. The past month has gone by so fast! Im still running to the mailbox everyday anticipating decision letters, because I keep forgetting I don’t have to worry about that for another week.

Soccer finally started and it’s going pretty well. We lost yesterday to Farragut 0-2, and won today against Pheonix Military Academy 1-0. I almost scored 2 goals with my penalty kicks. Oh well. There’s plenty of time for that later. And apparently Mahon and Nance were at the game, and I didn’t see either of them. SO disappointed. I hardly ever get to see Nance and I miss her as a Coach. She’s an awesome person.

Grades are going fine. Calculus is getting really difficult. I HATE integrals. Lol I started off this semester with a 102% in the class, and now I have a 94% because I failed a test due to a bunch of little mistakes. D:

Just ordered two new Threadless t-shirts today! YES!

Forked out a new AP Lang essay due Monday. My approach was completely wrong so now I have to choose a new argument and start all over. That made me really sad today, along with...

I did it again. I saw him in the hallway, and I couldn't get my mouth to open and say something intelligible. And it makes me so mad! Why do I do that? Perfect opportunity to say hi, and what do I do? Say nothing. I'm such a loser.

Alex is having similar drama in her life, and she asks me for advice. I would love to help and try to, but the fact is: I'm in the same situation and I don't know what to do. I give her all kinds of advice and try to help her figure things out, but I have no experience in the area. I really wish I could help her though. She's awesome! And is also looking for a prom date as I am. We are running out of time...prom is only 2 months away. Not that it matters. :D

Read a few good books lately: I'm really enjoying "Need" right now, along with "A Natural History of the Senses" that we're reading in AP Lang. HATED "Hard Cash" . Loved "Hush, Hush".

Oh and before I forget, my mom and I wrote into the Oprah Show about how obsessed with GLEE we are, and they invited us to the show! I've always wanted to be on Oprah. And I can't believe I'm going to be in the same. room. as. LEA MICHELE, my favorite singer! OH MY GOSH. I can't explain how excited I am.

Alright, time to go continue to read Need.

Listening to: Wanna Be Startin' Something Remix (feat. Akon) by Michael Jackson

Eventful Past Few Weeks

Listening to: Don't Rain On My Parade from the Glee Soundtrack: Volume 2

sooooooo this has been an eventful past month. With it came a new college acceptance (Illinois Wesleyan University), a new crush, finals, revealed secrets, awesome music, and great tv.

got accepted to IWU. good school, I liked it a lot when i visited, but they aren't going to give me what I'm looking for in terms of money. they gave me $5k a year as a merit scholarship (not enough - every year is like 40k). Katie Rothas applied to IWU early action, got in, and got $10k a year. i asked her if she knows where she'll go yet; she doesn't know. Coe College gave her the most money, but she said she'll probably go to Cornell college in IA. how funny and awesome would that be if she went there and I went to Grinnell and we would BOTH BE IN Iowa?! can you say, ROAD TRIP TO SEE SYTYCD TOUR? heck yeah.

So yes. This new crush. probably one of my better crushes: this guy is actually nice (from what I've heard). funny (from what I know) and really talented musically. and most importantly, I think he's got his priorities straight in terms of academics. except he might be dating someone (don't know), and I haven't really talked to him much. I'm just so embarrassed. i knew i kinda liked him, but i really realized it after i had a dream about him. No, not THAT kind of dream. -_- i had a dream that we were dating and that we were both really happy and that it was a great, spicy relationship. it was a sweet dream but then the next day when i saw him in the hallway and met his glance, i looked away instantly and ran away due to embarrassment. And then of course he showed up at the dance and i couldn't muster up enough courage to ask him to dance or anything. I AM SUCH A WIMP.

Finals. so they've gone pretty well so far. I got a 47 out of 50 on the AP Bio Final, an 80 out of 100 on the AP Lang Final (that's good for me in that class), fine on the Concert Ch final, and fantastically awesome on the College knowledge final. Concert Ch final was especially annoying because I was one of two Altos that can read music and play the piano. And of course, the altos started getting mad when I would screw up a little bit in the rhythm or something. And when I would go back and try to correct it, they would start talking again. And of course no Altos offered Adira and I help with trying to teach the entire Alto section the song in 30 minutes. GETTING ON MY NERVES. But including the finals i taken thus far, my final grades still consist of straight A's and a B in AP Lang. My solo singers final is tomorrow along with AP Calc. I'm not that worried about either of those tho.

On a negative note, I discovered something about one of my friends. I felt like things could get potentially much worse or fatal if I didn't say anything to anyone, so I discussed it with a counselor. I'm just really fortunate that my friends and genuinely good people, and that the friend didn't hate me after "ratting her out." She's doing better now which is AWESOME! Love her.

Got Lenny Kravitz greatest hits cd form the library. surprisingly, there were only two real "hits" on the entire cd. O_o Joanna lent me an awesome Paramore cd(yay!) Fav songs: Franklin, My Heart, Whoa.
and I downloaded a compilation cd off of iTunes of both of the "Meg And Dia" cds for like $15. great cd. fav songs: One Sail, Hug Me, Agree to Disagree.

Watched some good/bad movies this past week:
TEETH. LMAO one of the worst movies I have ever seen! go look up its plot. watched it with JJAM and KPOP.

Young Victoria. really good! pleasantly surprised. and it actually had a happy ending which you never expect with those kinds of movies.

Whip It!. didn't finish. got about half way through. entertaining so far!

Fame! halfway done. Mom had to go to work in the middle of it. :/


I've been watching:
Make It Or Break It - Awesome show!
been watching AI auditions: hilarious.
Real World D.C.: interesting. not too exciting and episodes are hard to get a hold of.

Hung out with Selena after school today! We talked about boys, art, and double-sided scotch tape! :D we don't get a chance to talk often, but it was fun.

Alright, going to sign off now.

When I finished writing this, I was listening to: "Aftershocks" from the Next To Normal Broadway Soundtrack.

This week sucked

Okay so this week sucked. But the reality is that it probably wasn't even that bad, I've just been moody for the past few days.

so i finally got the gates-millenium scholarship turned in on time (huh-yeah!) with all 8 of its essays. that wasnt a relief until the day after. so what sucks is that on this day in which i start feeling relieved, i find out that all of the colleges I'm applying to are requiring that I mail in a bunch of forms, incl. W-2s and the CSS Profile, and some of these colleges have Feb 1st deadlines! so this is freaking me out, along with how much its ging to cost my parents to send out the CSS Profile to the required schools; its going to be like $100. D:

and im getting irritated with solo singers and choir. ive been in concert choir for 3 years and every year i think, hey maybe next year I'll finally get a solo! 3 years later, it still hasn't happened. And im annoyed because I work really hard in CC, and Mrs. Klopack doesn't even notice. I help the other girls with the notes and stuff, and someone else gets the credit. And Klopack has a reputation for giving a bunch of solos to the seniors every year, so wth is happening? i cant think of a single senior in CC this year that has gotten a solo. They all keep going to the same junior and freshman.

my Yale interview is this saturday. needless to say, im freaking out.

the soccer captains aren't communicating and its causing conflict among the team. they need to collaborate and work it out.

I am really second guessing myself when it comes to testing. I didn't do nearly as well as I hoped I would on the ACT, and I wonder if it is going to cause me to not get into any Ivys or top choices. I begin to wonder if I should have taken the SAT anyway, even tho I swore off testing after retaking the ACT, getting the same score, and then taking the SAT Subject Tests. Would I have done better? but the reason for why I didnt take it remains the same: i didn't have time to study. whenever the test dates came up, I was working on big scholarships, applications, papers, etc. colleges say test scores dont matter that much, but is that really true for the Ivys? How much will they consider applications with ACT scores less than 30? and will they even really consider mine with a score of 26? did i just waste my time applying?

The spring semester of Club Shedd filled up b4 I could sign up. :(

I have virtually no time for a social life and it makes me sad. i hang out with friends, what, once or twice a month tops? and it still sucks to be invited to get-togethers as a last resort or last minute because im still forgotten, or I have to ask to be invited. its been like that since freshman year and it still sucks.

why do I always like people who are completely unattainable?

will i ever work up enough courage to ask someone to prom? cause im almost sure I wont be asked. or will i choose to go with friends?

will princeton ever receive my teacher recommendations? -_-

im finding it nearly impossible to get an A in AP Lang. my grade just decreased by another whole percent today, making me want to give up. this time, i dont even know why i got a c on that paper.

i havent felt this down in a long, long time. i pretty much never feel like this. i feel so emotionally and physically tired. but i already feel a little better writing most of it down.

New Years!

So it's the new years and i haven't made any resolutions yet. Oh well. Well I guess I'll just make a list of a few goals:

Get into at least one of the 4 ivies I applied to (Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Columbia)
Get straight A's for my final grades.
Find the perfect dress and ATTEND prom (unlike my sister XD)


Some favorite cds that I listened to for the first time this year include:

Glee Soundtrack Volume 2 (2 was better than 1)
Incredibad - The Lonely Island
It's Not Me It's You - Lily Allen
All I Ever Wanted - Kelly Clarkson
Fearless - Jazmine Sullivan
The Quilt - Gym Class Heroes
Here We Go Again - Demi Lovato
Fearless - Taylor Swift

Best Movies of the year (that I can remember):

AVATAR
Up!
Twilight Saga: New Moon (SSSYYYKE!!! XD)
Precious
Billy Elliot (2000 version)


Hmmmm. so its the new year!!! I hope this year is awesome. Mom's keys are missing so I have to help her look. Were going back to Chicago tomorrow afternoon form our 11-day NY trip. It's been fun.

Lastly, what really happened in 2009?

I had my first boyfriend (lasted only a few weeks.)
Had my first breakup (it was mutual. better off as friends)
I went to the Bahamas for the first time
I fell in love with Berry Chill and frozen yogurt in general.



and were leaving my cousin's house now! new post soon.