2012!

Wow. first post this year. Another year of school has gone by. I can't believe it! The spring semester was difficult, but I got through it and am on to bigger challenges. I'm scared, but am hopeful and determined to do my best and improve in everything in the fall. And I'm going to miss my friends in the class of 2012. but they're on their way to things bigger than our school now. Good luck to them. but I guess I'll start off my 2012 posts with another piece that I wrote. It's a long one. just a warning. The title is still a work in progress.

Why are we so far away?
I feel like we’re on two separate pages
And every time I see you I’m torn
Because I feel like I‘ve known you forever
In reality, it’s been several years
I loved how good you were at soccer
And how competitive you got when we played together
You were so tall for your age
You were so skinny and mature looking
At the age of 15, you looked 18
I liked you from the first time I saw you
Suddenly, I began to agree to go to church
Just so I could get the chance to hang out with you again
I always hated how far apart we lived from one another
I know this played a huge role in why we never got together
But I liked you so much
And you liked me too
Your sister was my girl and always told me about you
She wanted us to get together
Just as much as I did
It was pretty much an unspoken rule
That we would go to church retreat every year
With the motivation that we would be able to see each other and hang out
Remember that time when I was cold and you shared your sleeping bag with me?
We were so close
I honestly hadn’t ever felt that breathless
I just had this strong feeling of anticipation in my stomach
I felt like something monumental was going to happen
Were you going to finally kiss me?
And I always wondered what held you back
I wish it was something I could forget
And I wonder if you forgot it
Was it her?
Had you started talking to her?
Were you already with her at the time?
Because all I know is a few months later
I found out you had a girlfriend
And ill admit
I thought what we had was special
And that your relationship with her wouldn’t last
I thought what could be with us was bigger
But I was wrong
Because you’re still with her to this day
And I had to force myself to move on
So I guess it’s a good thing we don’t live by each other
Because I never would have moved on
Every time I see you
All of this confusion and my feelings for you rush back
Knocking me off balance again
It’s honestly emotionally draining
Every time I see you
I remember those times at church retreat where we would get close
And I remember when you came over to hang out with my sister last year
And after everyone went to sleep, I stayed up with you
While you waited for your ride home
To the other side
And I put my head in your lap
And you stroked my hair and laid with me
We barely talked
But we didn’t need to
It felt...right
And you gazed at me the way I remember
My chest literally felt like it would explode
Your face was so close
I really thought it would happen
But I knew it wouldn’t
Because you were still with her
And as much as I wanted it to happen
I couldn’t let it
You're still with her
And I still want you
So to dull the pain
I force myself to not think about you
And it works for the most part
Sometimes up to a couple of months
But really, I haven’t moved on
Because when I see you again
Shit hits the fan
And I fall
again